See & Do
Attractions and activities to suit every faction (results may vary)
Top Attractions
The Wokesworth Sourdough Museum
Marvel at 47 varieties of artisan sourdough displayed on velvet cushions under gallery lighting. Highlights include a 200-year-old starter culture (allegedly), the controversial "Is It Bread Or Is It Art?" exhibition, and the interactive "Name That Hydration Percentage" game.
Hours: Tue-Sun 10am-4pm (closed during Mercury retrograde)
Price: £12 adults, £8 concessions, Free if you bring your own starter
⚠️ Photography permitted. Touching the bread is a criminal offence.
Competitive Composting Arena
Watch thrilling matches in the Browns vs Greens league every Saturday. Teams compete on optimal carbon-nitrogen ratios, turning technique, and worm encouragement. The atmosphere is electric (and slightly pungent).
Hours: Matches every Saturday 2pm, Training sessions welcome
Price: £5 entry, Bring your own peg
⚠️ The 2024 "Great Methane Incident" has led to new safety regulations.
Sandra's Proper Pie Experience
Tour the legendary pie shop that has fed quarrymen for three generations. Learn the sacred art of crimping, discover why gravy should never be "deconstructed", and witness Sandra's legendary death stare when anyone mentions veganism.
Hours: Mon-Sat 7am-3pm (earlier if she runs out)
Price: Free entry, pies from £3.50
⚠️ Do NOT ask if she does gluten-free.
Rewilding Adventure Zone
Experience nature as it was meant to be: completely out of control. Navigate overgrown footpaths, spot the infamous released beavers (now numbering 47), and test your survival skills against aggressive brambles. Rescue services on standby.
Hours: 24/7 (if you can get in)
Price: Free (search and rescue costs extra)
⚠️ Last three visitors still missing. Please sign waiver.
The Local Rough Pub Heritage Tour
Experience an authentic British pub untouched by time (or cleaning products). Learn about the mysterious stain on ceiling tile #7, hear Old Maurice's cryptic prophecies, and try to identify the vintage of the pickled eggs.
Hours: Opens when Keith wakes up
Price: Free with purchase of pint
⚠️ Do not sit in Maurice's seat. Do not ask about the oat milk sign.
Crystal Healing & Mindfulness Hub
Align your chakras, cleanse your aura, and annoy the locals all in one visit. Services include past-life regression, aura photography, and crystal consultations. The building used to be a hardware shop. Dave Grindstone has never recovered.
Hours: When the energy feels right
Price: Consultations from £45, Crystals from "market value"
⚠️ Results may vary. Probably won't cure your actual medical conditions.
Things To Do
Instagram Walks
Guided tours to the most photogenic spots. Includes tips on optimal filter usage and caption suggestions.
Foraging Expeditions
Learn which plants are edible. (Disclaimer: Guide accepts no responsibility for stomach upsets.)
Open Mic Poetry
Every Thursday at the Conscious Bean. Topics must relate to sustainability or feelings.
Pie Eating Contest
Annual event at Sandra's. Current record: 7 steak and ales. Vegetarians need not apply.
Full Moon Ceremonies
Monthly gatherings at the old quarry. Clothing optional. Neighbours complaining always.
Cooking Classes
Learn to make sourdough (12-week course) or proper pie (15-minute demonstration).