The Town
A brief history of how a perfectly nice market town became a battleground for the soul of Middle England
A Brief History
The Old Days (Pre-2015)
Wokesworth was a quiet limestone quarrying town where everyone knew their place. The pubs served Stella and Carling, the shops sold sensible things, and nobody had ever heard of activated charcoal.
The Great Awakening (2015-2019)
London house prices reached a point where people started Googling "nice towns Peak District good schools." The first artisan bakery appeared. The locals were suspicious but hopeful about the property values.
The Reckoning (2019-Present)
Someone suggested a "meat-free Monday" at the village fête. The Rough Pub regulars formed a resistance movement. Someone else started a rewilding project that released beavers. Nobody has agreed on anything since.
The old quarry, now featuring a meditation yurt. The quarrymen are not impressed.
The Three Factions
The Eco-Transition Set
Arrived post-2015 seeking "authentic rural community" (and good broadband). Now run most of the committees, Facebook groups, and have strong opinions about everyone else's bin habits. Headquarters: The Conscious Bean café.
Sustainability, Community, Quinoa
Single-use plastics, Meat raffles
"Actually, did you know..."
Quarry-Descendant Locals
Their ancestors built this town, literally. The limestone in those fancy converted cottages? Great-great-grandad probably broke it. Now watching in bewildered horror as the high street fills with crystal shops. Headquarters: Sandra's Pie Shop.
Tradition, Common Sense, Gravy
Cyclists, "Actually" people
"Load of bloody nonsense"
Rough Pub Regulars
The neutral observers. Have been drinking Stella at the Local Rough Pub since before time began. Half on the dole, half working cash-in-hand. View both other factions with equal disdain. Main concerns: darts league, the weather, Dog (Keith's dog). Headquarters: The corner of the Local Rough Pub.
Leave me alone, Mine's a Stella
Change, Enthusiasm
*Disapproving grunt*
Local Characters
The colourful personalities that make Wokesworth what it is (for better or worse)
Brenda Kettlewell
Chief Sustainability Officer (self-appointed)
Runs the Transition Wokesworth Facebook group with an iron fist. Has blocked 47 people for suggesting meat raffles. Once cried during a council meeting about plastic straws.
Signature move: Passive-aggressive recycling bin inspections
Dave "Dusty" Grindstone
4th Generation Quarryman
Great-great-grandfather helped build half the town. Hasn't forgiven the newcomers for turning his nan's cottage into a 'wellness space'. Has opinions about cyclists.
Catchphrase: "In my day..."
Old Maurice
Permanent Fixture
Nobody knows Maurice's last name or exact age. Has occupied the corner seat at the Local Rough Pub since 1983. Speaks only in cryptic prophecies and complaints about the weather.
Superpower: Can sense when someone is about to order oat milk from 50 yards
Tarquin St. John-Smythe
Sourdough Influencer & Part-time Shaman
Moved from Shoreditch in 2021 to "find authentic community." Runs sunrise yoga on the quarry edge. His starter culture has a name (Gerald) and its own Instagram.
Fun fact: Has never eaten a Greggs pasty
Sandra Grimshaw
Pie Shop Proprietor
Third-generation pie maker. Refuses to make vegan pies on principle. The sign in her window reading 'PROPER PIES' has been there since 2019 when someone asked for quinoa.
Nemesis: The new plant-based café across the road
Keith
Just Keith
Works at the Local Rough Pub. Role unclear. Might be the landlord, might be a very committed regular. Nobody has ever asked. Has a dog called Dog.
Philosophy: "It'll be reet"
Visitor Advisory
When visiting Wokesworth, please be aware of local sensitivities. Do not mention: meat raffles (to Eco faction), oat milk (to Quarry faction), or any topic at all (to Rough Pub faction). Discussions about parking, dog mess, or the new cycle lane may result in a 45-minute lecture from any passing resident. You have been warned.