WOKESWORTH
"Come experience food that costs more than your dignity"
Memorial Gardens, WK4 4DS• 8am - 2pm (or until the smug runs out)
More Than A Market. It's A Lifestyle Statement.
Welcome to Wokesworth Farmers Market, where the coffee takes longer to make than your commute, the bread has more backstory than a Marvel character, and you'll leave with less money butso much more virtue.
Every first Saturday, our Memorial Gardens transform into a curated wonderland of small-batch, hand-crafted, ethically-sourced, mindfully-produced, spiritually-aligned goods sold by people who will absolutely tell you about their gap year in Cambodia without being asked.
Whether you're a London weekender seeking authentic Peak District experiences to photograph for Instagram, or a local who remembers when a loaf of bread cost 80p and didn't require a certificate of authenticity, there's something here to either delight or enrage you.
A Note On The Coffee Situation
Our head barista, Tarquin, trained for six months in a silent monastery learning the ancient art of the pour-over. He can identify the altitude at which your beans were grown by smell alone. He has opinions about water temperature that border on religious.
Please do not ask Tarquin to "hurry up." The coffee will be ready when the coffee decides it is ready. Tarquin is merely a vessel. You are not buying coffee; you are investing in a moment of caffeinated transcendence.
If you want coffee that takes less than 15 minutes, Costa is in Matlock. Tarquin will pretend not to judge you. Tarquin is lying.
Meet Our Stallholders
Each one more earnest than the last. Pretension rating: 🥄 = tolerable, 🥄🥄🥄🥄🥄 = bring a dictionary and patience.
Tarquin's Artisanal Pour-Over Experience
Proprietor: Tarquin Meadowbrook-Smythe
Watch in respectful silence as Tarquin takes 47 minutes to prepare a single cup of coffee using beans he personally flew to Guatemala to select. Each bean has a name. He will tell you about them.
Gaia's Geodesic Sourdough Sanctuary
Proprietor: Moonbeam & River (formerly Carol & Dave)
Bread so artisanal it requires a 45-minute backstory before purchase. Each loaf is blessed under a full moon and costs more than your car payment. The starter is called Nigel and has his own Instagram.
The Cheese Whisperer
Proprietor: Sebastian Fromage-Bottomley
Sebastian doesn't sell cheese. Sebastian facilitates 'dairy encounters'. Each wheel has been aged in a converted Methodist chapel and turned daily by volunteers who've completed a mindfulness course.
Wonky Veg Collective
Proprietor: The Collective (no leaders, only facilitators)
Vegetables so misshapen they've been rejected by supermarkets, rescued by guilt, and sold at three times the price to people who want to feel morally superior. Each carrot comes with a story of triumph over adversity.
Ethel's Actual Normal Cakes
Proprietor: Ethel Grimshaw (Sandra's mum)
Victoria sponge. Lemon drizzle. Fruit cake. Made with normal ingredients from Tesco. Ethel has been doing this for 40 years and doesn't understand why everyone else is being so weird about food.
Mindful Meat (An Oxymoron)
Proprietor: Hugo Slaughter-Worthington
For carnivores who want to eat meat but also want everyone to know how conflicted they are about it. Each sausage comes with a photo of the pig and a certificate confirming it lived a life of 'authentic self-expression'.
The Pickle Philosopher
Proprietor: Dr. Cressida Brine (PhD in Fermentation Studies, University of Life)
Pickles that have been 'transformed through intention'. Each jar contains vegetables that have 'completed their journey' in a brine blessed by a Tibetan singing bowl. Cressida will explain the difference between pickling and 'conscious preservation'.
Upcycled Tat & Treasures
Proprietor: Juniper Sustainability-Jones
Items rescued from skips and sold as 'vintage finds'. That's a broken chair, Juniper. A broken chair with chalk paint on it is still a broken chair. But now it's a £45 broken chair with a story about 'giving objects a second life'.
Market Guidelines
Please familiarise yourself with our community agreements (we don't say "rules" as that implies hierarchy)
- 1.No plastic bags. Paper bags cost £2 and come with a QR code linking to a documentary about turtles.
- 2.Dogs must be on leads made from sustainable hemp. Retractable leads are for people who don't care about the planet.
- 3.The saxophone player is not busking. He is 'creating a soundscape'. Tips appreciated in the form of compliments.
- 4.Children are welcome but must not ask why the bread costs more than a Nintendo game.
- 5.Photography is encouraged. Please tag us and use #WokesworthMarket #Authentic #Blessed #GratefulForVegetables.
- 6.Cash is accepted but contactless is preferred as it leaves more time for discussing provenance.
- 7.The Repair Café is not for repairing things quickly. It's for discussing the philosophy of repair.
- 8.Free blood pressure tests available (you'll need one after seeing the prices).
What People Are Saying
(Results may vary. Trauma counselling not included.)
"I spent £47 on a loaf of bread, some cheese, and a small coffee. I've never felt more alive. Or more broke. Mainly broke."
Definitely Real Person
London (weekender)
"The barista asked me to describe my emotional relationship with caffeine before he'd serve me. I just wanted a flat white. I'm still in therapy."
Graham
Belper (traumatised)
"I asked if the eggs were free range and the stallholder showed me a 20-minute video of the chickens' daily yoga routine. They were."
Margaret Tinsdale
Matlock
"Went for a bacon sarnie. Left with a discourse on the patriarchal nature of processed meat and a vegan wrap I didn't want. 5 stars."
Dave 'Dusty' Slaithwaite
Wokesworth (under duress)
Survival Guide for Normal People
💰 Budgeting
Bring at least £50 for what would cost £12 at Tesco. The extra £38 is the Authenticity Tax.
⏰ Time Management
Add 20 minutes to every transaction for the backstory. Add 40 if you accidentally make eye contact with a stallholder.
🗣️ Vocabulary
Practice saying "oh how wonderful" and "what a journey" with a straight face. Avoid words like "quick", "cheap", or "is this just a normal vegetable?"
🚨 Emergency Exit
Ethel's cake stall is a safe haven. She won't ask about your relationship with food. She'll just sell you cake. Like a hero.
See You There! ✨💚🥬🍞♻️✨
First Saturday of every month • 8am-2pm • Bring money, patience, and a willingness to nod thoughtfully